I'm here.

I feel like I have woken up from this amazingly wonderful dream, and now reality doesn't feel real. I should be pregnant. 

The D&C went as well as it could. No complications. My bleeding was minimal. I only had one breakdown when they were trying to find a vein for my IV. They kept jabbing and I kept biting my lip, willing the tears to go away, but it didn't work. After the third try, they finally got it and left, patting my back, and that's when I lost it. My mom rubbed my shoulders as I kept repeating, "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here." 

Physically, I feel fine. My boobs still hurt, but that's it. Emotionally, I feel unstable, but I'm fighting for my normal. My husband is worried that he's going to lose me again. I'M worried that I'm going to lose me again. We do have an appointment set up at the beginning of October to plan out the next steps in this process. Now, after three miscarriages, I guess the insurance company will take us seriously, and pay for at least the beginning of this process. 

I know there are many of us out there who have gone through this. I also know there are many happy endings. I'm choosing to focus on the possibility of a happy ending for myself right now. That's my only option. Thank you to everyone who has shown their support; please know that you're in my prayers as well.

No Hope

They couldn't find a heartbeat and they measured the baby at 6w2d, which means no growth since last week.

I haven't cried. I haven't yelled. I'm not even surprised. This is what I was preparing myself for, right? I just think it's ridiculous. Ridiculously unfair and incredibly cruel.

I have a scheduled D&C tomorrow and I requested chromosome testing. We made a follow-up appointment with our doctor on what the next steps are.

I'm going to take a sick day now and crawl into bed.

Do I dare to hope?

Here I am, Tuesday morning, and there has been no bleeding, no cramps, nothing to forewarn me of an impending miscarriage. My boobs still hurt, I've been nauseous, and very tired. I feel like I am just waiting for my world to collapse, but someone has hit the pause button. Instead, this weekend we went out for brunch on Saturday, laughed while picking out new nerdy glasses for me, cuddled, watched episode after episode of The Office, cleaned & organized our storage closet, and basically just tried to forget that this was happening to us.

My ultrasound is at 9:50 am on Wednesday, exactly 12 hours from now. I do want to know what's going on with me and baby, but at the same time, this not knowing doesn't suck either. Because I can still hope. I wonder how many times someone can be knocked down until they lose all hope.

In other news, a friend of ours just moved into our guest bedroom. She was originally a friend of my husband's back in college due to her dating one of my husband's good friends. The husband's friend and her are still dating and live in Iowa together, but wanted to come back to Wisconsin. She recently was offered a job here in Wisconsin so we offered a place for her to stay at no cost while she and her boyfriend figured out the living situation. When we initially offered this, I was thinking it would be a couple of weeks to a month. Turns out she was thinking until Christmas. We "compromised" and said the end of November.

I will say this is very unlike me. I like my space, I value my alone time, I am not the life of the party. And now I will have someone at home with me EVERY NIGHT. She is a very nice girl, but it's going to be a lot to deal with, whether I'm pregnant or not. I'm just praying her boyfriend finds a job up here asap.

So now we have three adults, one dog, and one cat all living in 1,000 square feet. Sounds like a good reality television show.

I'll post again when I know what's going on. Thank you to everyone who has given their support and prayers. It's a wonderful feeling to know you're not alone in this when it seems like you're surrounded by healthy pregnancies.

The heart rate was only 74 bpm. The sac is abnormally shaped. Pair them together, and the nurse said the likelihood of miscarriage is extremely high. If it doesn't happen in the next week, I have an ultrasound scheduled next Wednesday to figure out what's going on.

I'm in shock. I thought I had been protecting myself from feeling all of this, but I didn't do a very good job. I'm really struggling with the fact that I have this life inside of me that's fighting for a chance to live, and I can't do anything about it.

I am a very sad story indeed.

Scared.

In less than an hour, I'll know. Heartbeat or no heartbeat. Needless to say, I'm a little shaky.

Good vs. Bad

I have been silent for a very long time. I truly thought I wouldn’t be coming back to this blog, because I had nothing else to say. I was infertile. I had suffered. And now I was moving on. The problem is that I didn’t. I instead wrapped myself up in lonely nights of TV watching & wine. I attempted to see psychiatrists and psychologists to help me through the pain, but the pills didn’t help, and I didn’t know what to say to those who asked, “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t put it into words. How do you explain to someone what losing a baby is like? What losing two babies is like?

I have become obsessed, OBSESSED, with reading infertility blogs. I’m constantly searching out a new story. I go straight for the painful entries and I try to relive it with that person. I then skip over the happy endings (when they exist) and head to the next blog.

The main reason I needed to write here today is because I’m pregnant. I’m estimated at 7+ weeks, and I have an ultrasound and first meeting with the doc on Thursday. I’ve gone in for three blood tests to track my HCG levels and all three times the numbers have more than doubled. My last number was 14,750 last Thursday. This is great news, amazing, and I should be on Cloud 9. But I’m not.

I am terrified.

I have barely existed, barely lived for the past year. I have fought against this cloud of depression for so long that it’s hard to remember what I was like before. Now I have this life inside of me, and I am aware at all times that the light can so easily be snuffed out. I am preparing myself for tragedy even though the news has only been good. I am preparing for no heartbeat on Thursday. I am preparing for tears and sorrow and pain, because that’s what I know. It’s almost what I’m more comfortable with.

I want to be happy. I want to be relishing in this period of my life. I want to be making plans and thinking about what kind of mother I’m going to be. I want those things, but they are not my reality. I have a different story that causes me to look at the toilet paper every time I wipe, waiting for the spotting.

My husband and I were talking last night about how I’ve been feeling, and he asked me “What is good to you?” I was very confused, so he asked me if Marshall (our adorable rescue shepherd mix) was a good dog. I said of course! He went on to ask me what makes him a good dog. I said because he listens to us, he cuddles with us, and he loves us so unconditionally.

Dennis said, “If every dog was like him, Marshall would no longer be a good dog. He’d simply be a dog. We need the bad in order to have the good or we wouldn’t know the difference. We were a bad story, but now we can appreciate the good even more.”  

Thank you for reading – I’m hoping that this can turn into a blog of joy and anticipation, but we all work at our own pace, and mine is a slow one. 

I came, I walked, I conquered.

I've walked two days in a row. TWO DAYS! Now I'm not saying this is the biggest thing since sliced bread, but seriously, making a goal, whatever it is, and following through on it is monumental to me. One of the personal struggles I've come up against is constantly making promises to myself, such as I'm going to lose 10 pounds in a month, quit smoking by next Friday, lift weights on Tuesdays and Thursdays, not crack open that bottle of wine tonight, etc. etc. etc. Then every time I don't follow through, I lose a little bit more faith in myself. If you had someone constantly promise you things and never do it, wouldn't you stop trusting them? My head says one thing, but my will says another.

The rest of my week will be pretty busy. I'm helping out a newly pregnant mother with her 3-year-old this evening. Unfortunately my friend has been dreadfully sick these past few weeks; thankfully her daughter is a dream! Then Thursday I'm going out to dinner with a friend who will be moving to Arizona at the end of this month. How sad it is to lose close friends, but it's all the more reason to finally see Arizona! Friday & Saturday we will be visiting my husband's family, traveling to "Up North" Wisconsin. That brings us to Sunday which is Mother's Day - I'll be busy celebrating my own mother =)

Here's to walking three more days in a row!!!