I went to my best friend and therapist (no, she's not actually a therapist, but isn't everyone's best friend their own personal counselor?) and explained my troubles to her, also throwing in there my struggle with if and when I should have a baby. She said, "I think that all these things are a direct reaction to your overly structured life. I think the ultimate goal is to make your life a delicate balancing act between the two...Too much structure and you'll crave freedom. Too much freedom and you'll crave structure."
Before I read her e-mail though, I went on a very long walk, mulling over my troubles. I came to a rather drastic conclusion. If our condo sells by the end of summer, my husband & I will take off on some type of adventure overseas - my hope would be to volunteer somewhere and help people, because I truly get enjoyment out of serving others. We would both quit our jobs & just pray that we could get new ones when we got back (haha, this economy, yep, okay Erin). If the condo did NOT sell by the end of summer, I'd go into counseling and we'd try to have a baby.
I told you it was a drastic conclusion. But it was the only conclusion that I truly felt would start me on the road of fixing this seemingly mental upheaval of my existence. I need a CHANGE, and a small one wouldn't do. No, it needs to be a CHANGE IN ALL CAPS.
Which brings me back to her e-mail. She really hit the nail on its head. I'm a planner. That is a vast understatement of what I actually am, but it's the only word I can think of. When I'm making a decision, I first search out all other possibilities in the framework of the decision. I weigh options. I fret. I research. I fret some more. I think about how the consequences of that decision will affect me down the road, 2 days, 4 months, 10 YEARS from now. And then I make the decision, which I still worry about until the decision is carried out & I am able to see any aftermath.
It's...almost like a sickness, to tell you the truth. I have lost my ability to be whimsical or fleeting or do something on the spur of the moment. I'm paralyzed with fear over almost everything. Which actually says a lot about my smoking/drinking/eating habits...if I can't control the big things, I can certainly control those things. Plus, they're a great way to escape the big things. Hmmmmmm.....
The key to all of this is happiness. I'm obviously not happy right now, and I want to be. And a little less structure and a lot more freedom might just be what this girl needs. What that exactly means will be chronicled in my next post.*
Just yesterday, a friend of mine posted an article on facebook that spoke to me. The article's audience is mainly managers, but number one on the article made me smile.
To anyone who's reading this, thank you. I'm simply happy to be keeping a journal once again.
*Obviously I have no idea what I'm doing.
I'M SO SMART.
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