First, let me say I am floored by The Childless Mom’s shout out to me and my blog. Just knowing that at least one person is reading my story has moved me, and I thank you for that.
On with the story…I woke up from surgery in a darkened room with my husband and my mom at my side. I was hurting just a bit “down there”, and then I remembered why. My insides had been literally scraped out. I was in and out of it, but I remember them giving me a shot of some drug that would make sure they had gotten everything. I wasn’t crying anymore, but I wasn’t altogether myself either, still fighting the anesthesia.
The next few hours, days, weeks were painful in many ways. Physically, I was in a lot of pain. I was consistently bleeding, I was suffering from severe cramps, the pain killers weren’t working and actually making me feel worse. Plus, I had lost my baby. I thought about that every hour that I was awake. To think that I had one blissful day to relish in the fact that I was pregnant. That was such a good day. I had borrowed “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” from my mom, who had bought it when my sister was first pregnant. I had googled natural birth centers and found one close to where I live. I was thinking about my due date. My husband was practically giddy. It was…well, a really, really good day.
I had to go into the ER that Saturday following my surgery, because of the bleeding. The doctor examined me (lots of pain), another ultrasound (more pain), and around 2 in the morning, they gave me another shot of the stuff that I can’t remember for the life of me. Meta-something-or-other. That shot didn’t make me feel so hot either, but it was my only option at that point.
This is where I just don’t get it. To this day, they can’t tell me if I had an ectopic pregnancy, a chemical pregnancy, or an actual pregnancy, which pisses me off. They couldn’t find anything in the tissue they recovered from the D&C, they couldn’t find anything in my tubes, but my HCG levels continued to rise long after the D&C. They just weren’t doubling. FRUSTRATING.
Must get back to work, but again, thanks so much to The Childless Mom, and thanks to anyone else out there reading this. I knew that I needed to get this out somehow.
-E
Just wanted to pop on over and offer some support through this hard time. It can be the worst when there are no concrete answers.
ReplyDeleteI don't know your whole story or how long you had been trying for a baby, but I am hopeful that maybe you are in fact, not infertile! As much as I hate that miscarriages happen - they do and it doesn't always mean that you will have a problem again...
This is what I am hopeful about. It doesn't take away the sting of what you lost by any means, but maybe you will be able to get pregnant on your own again sometime soon. When you are ready.
If they haven't diagnosed you with anything, you have a good shot at still having your dream.
I think of you and your baby and hope you get some answers soon. Keep writing... it helps.
Alissa (MissConception)
http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/
(This is my own IF blog if you are interested)
You are so brave. Doesn't seem right that they can't give you an answer about "what kind of" pregnant you were, if that's how you say it. Seems like someone ought to be able to look at the tests and figure that much out, at least.
ReplyDeleteHang in there & keep updating. And you'll definitely want to read Alissa's blog, too.
Joey
The Childless Mom
Hi there. I just found your blog and wanted to comment to let you know there are others out here thinking about you. I am so very sorry for what you had to go through. :(
ReplyDeleteI pray that one day you get that sticky bean.
Hang in there and like Joey above me said, keep updating. I've started my own blog as it really is therapeutic to get it out when you may not be able to share with anyone IRL...