I have been silent for a very long time. I truly thought I
wouldn’t be coming back to this blog, because I had nothing else to say. I was
infertile. I had suffered. And now I was moving on. The problem is that I didn’t.
I instead wrapped myself up in lonely nights of TV watching & wine. I
attempted to see psychiatrists and psychologists to help me through the pain,
but the pills didn’t help, and I didn’t know what to say to those who asked, “What’s
wrong?” I couldn’t put it into words. How do you explain to someone what losing
a baby is like? What losing two babies is like?
I have become obsessed, OBSESSED, with reading infertility
blogs. I’m constantly searching out a new story. I go straight for the painful
entries and I try to relive it with that person. I then skip over the happy
endings (when they exist) and head to the next blog.
The main reason I needed to write here today is because I’m
pregnant. I’m estimated at 7+ weeks, and I have an ultrasound and first meeting
with the doc on Thursday. I’ve gone in for three blood tests to track my HCG
levels and all three times the numbers have more than doubled. My last number
was 14,750 last Thursday. This is great news, amazing, and I should be on Cloud
9. But I’m not.
I am terrified.
I have barely existed, barely lived for the past year. I
have fought against this cloud of depression for so long that it’s hard to
remember what I was like before. Now I have this life inside of me, and I am
aware at all times that the light can so easily be snuffed out. I am preparing
myself for tragedy even though the news has only been good. I am preparing for
no heartbeat on Thursday. I am preparing for tears and sorrow and pain, because
that’s what I know. It’s almost what I’m more comfortable with.
I want to be happy. I want to be relishing in this period of
my life. I want to be making plans and thinking about what kind of mother I’m
going to be. I want those things, but they are not my reality. I have a
different story that causes me to look at the toilet paper every time I wipe,
waiting for the spotting.
My husband and I were talking last night about how I’ve been
feeling, and he asked me “What is good to you?” I was very confused, so he
asked me if Marshall (our adorable rescue shepherd mix) was a good dog. I said
of course! He went on to ask me what makes him a good dog. I said because he
listens to us, he cuddles with us, and he loves us so unconditionally.
Dennis said, “If every dog was like him, Marshall would no
longer be a good dog. He’d simply be a dog. We need the bad in order to have
the good or we wouldn’t know the difference. We were a bad story, but now we
can appreciate the good even more.”
Thank you for reading – I’m hoping that this can turn into a
blog of joy and anticipation, but we all work at our own pace, and mine is a
slow one.
Congratulations! It's very scary to be pregnant after losses. I had 2 miscarriages before my current pregnancy, and was somewhat reassured because we did chromosomal testing on this embryo, but still anxious and stressed before appointments.
ReplyDeleteWill hold hope for you that this is the one - I know it's sometimes hard to be hopeful yourself.
I just read a lot of your blog; congratulations!!! Thank you for your kind words, and I pray I'll have good news tomorrow.
Deletehey there! I've wondered where you went! First off - congrats on the pregnancy - even if you're not feeling it immediately, it is AWESOME! And I know you'll come to realize just how awesome it is...but - even though I haven't gotten to that depression yet (and I hope I never do...) but I have a friend who went through it (before doing IVF) - and I want to say I can understand.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the way your husband put it, in terms of knowing how your dog is a good dog. That reminds me of our own, and truly puts things into perspective. Your husband is absolutely right. Our dog was a menace - we thought she was the world's worst dog and came so close to getting rid of her...but we worked with her and she's changed and is a great dog now. But we also know how she was when she was a menace.
And that's the same with infertility. Yes, there are so many girls out there who couldn't care less about their babies and get pregnant so easily - and yes we are angry and jealous - but it also makes us (or will make us) just that much of a better mom than they could ever even hope to be. I know I don't know you - but I can guarantee you will make an INCREDIBLE mommy just because you KNOW the suffering it took to get you to that goal.
It's sorta like the same, for me that - during my 20's I never truly had a boyfriend. I dated around a lot - but never had a true "boyfriend" until I met my husband because every man (boy) I ever dated wasn't worth a damn and was miserable, thinkin' I'd never find my soulmate - but then I met my husband and to this day, 6 years after we met, I thank God every single day for bringing him into my life. And I know, once we have our first baby, I will thank God every single day for the rest of my life for giving that gift to us.
Take all the time that you need. You WILL become excited, but if it takes time, then take that time and be ok with it. :) You know it's sucked and that you've dealt with the depression and the infertility but that you 1000000% (times infinity) deserve this!
(sorry so long, I've had 2 glasses of wine, lol)
Can't wait to follow your journey again!!!
You are incredibly kind with your words of support - thank you so, so much. I continue to follow your own highs and lows on your blog, though I have been a bit quiet. You're in my prayers!
ReplyDelete