Monday, September 10, 2012

I'm here.

I feel like I have woken up from this amazingly wonderful dream, and now reality doesn't feel real. I should be pregnant. 

The D&C went as well as it could. No complications. My bleeding was minimal. I only had one breakdown when they were trying to find a vein for my IV. They kept jabbing and I kept biting my lip, willing the tears to go away, but it didn't work. After the third try, they finally got it and left, patting my back, and that's when I lost it. My mom rubbed my shoulders as I kept repeating, "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here." 

Physically, I feel fine. My boobs still hurt, but that's it. Emotionally, I feel unstable, but I'm fighting for my normal. My husband is worried that he's going to lose me again. I'M worried that I'm going to lose me again. We do have an appointment set up at the beginning of October to plan out the next steps in this process. Now, after three miscarriages, I guess the insurance company will take us seriously, and pay for at least the beginning of this process. 

I know there are many of us out there who have gone through this. I also know there are many happy endings. I'm choosing to focus on the possibility of a happy ending for myself right now. That's my only option. Thank you to everyone who has shown their support; please know that you're in my prayers as well.


  1. Oh, Erin, my heart hurts for you. Neither of us should have had to go through this. I wish I could make it all better for both of us. Talk to me about what steps we've gone through. I know I can offer a lot of info and support. xoxoxoxo

  2. Erin, I can't even pretend to have any idea as to what you are going through, but my heart breaks for you, nonetheless. I am saying this with the utmost confidence that one day YOU WILL BE A MOTHER! I know I don't know you, personally and you're probably thinking "yeah right", but from just the heart-pouring you do here on your blog, I know that you are a strong woman and you WILL get your dream one day. You are the one that keeps reminding me, "Everything's alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." You are always on my prayer list. Hope you feel "normal" soon!...