Last Night

I was having a great day yesterday. I was focused, excelling at work, crossing off to do items, kicking butt and taking names. I test drove a 2010 Chevy Equinox after work (we’re looking to buy a larger car & sell my beloved 2003 Ford Focus), which was a very smooth ride and made me rethink buying a Honda Pilot. I came home and took Marshall for a short walk. I walked inside the condo, opened the fridge, and there was a bottle of chardonnay.

The thing is that I have known that it’s been in there since NYE. We had a big party, lots of friends, lots of fun, and a friend of mine had left it there after she left early, hoping someone else would enjoy drinking it. Instead, it’s been sitting in my fridge, taunting me. I should have just taken it out. I should have put it somewhere and then given it back to her when I saw her next. I should have not grabbed a wine glass and poured myself a glass. And then another glass. And then another glass, until the bottle was empty.

I knew exactly what I was doing while I was doing it. I was (and still am) flabbergasted that I was choosing this bottle of wine over laundry, over exercising, over creating a healthy dinner for myself. I put the nutritional stats in my www.bodymedia.com account this morning (I have this awesome body bugg that I shall post about later), and I had drank almost 700 calories.

I wish I could tell you that I have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I do not. I never have. The first time I had alcohol was also the first time I got drunk. I tend to drink more than I should in most situations that involve alcohol, and it’s been a lifelong struggle to control myself. I went to AA for a while, I’ve been very frank with my therapist about this issue, my husband & best friend are aware of it, and I know it will probably plague me for the rest of my life. We have agreed to keep alcohol out of the house, but sometimes it slips in through friends.

People tend to like labels, and I know that I would be labeled an alcoholic by many who knew my story. I’m not in denial over my problem, but I also think it’s a lot more complicated than saying, “you’re an alcoholic and you should never have a drink again.” I believe I have a predisposition to abusing alcohol. Perhaps it has something to do with something that happened in my past or maybe it’s in my genetics (I’m adopted, which is a topic I’ll write on later, but I have no medical history of my birth parents) or maybe I just enjoy alcohol way more than the next guy.

However, I also have many, many stories in my past on where I’ve chosen the high road. I’ve abstained completely when the opportunity presented itself, or I’ve cut myself off after a few, or I’ve asked for help in doing so. Never drinking again seems too harsh a statement for me to adhere to. We are still at an age that alcohol seems to be involved with every get together, every dinner, every sporting event. I hope that as we get older, our friends will be less inclined to sneak a flask in or order two pitchers of beer right away when we sit down or whatnot. Maybe that’s wishful thinking.

In any case, I wanted to share this, because I think this is an integral part of who I am. Failing is when you give up, and I am never going to give up my fight. Especially since alcohol and babies certainly do not mix, and I’m doing myself no favors by drinking a bottle of wine in one evening. I had been doing really well up to last night, and my resolve is even greater after putting this out there for others to read. Keep me in your thoughts (& prayers, if you’re spiritual), and I will continue to do the same for you.

-E